Fathers and Sons
If we pay attention to the voices of prophetic warning, we can detect a number of recurring themes. Many of those themes relate to what we recognise is an ongoing and increasing assault on the family. Tonight my remarks focus on what Elder Ballard once called the remarkable relationship between fathers and sons.[1] Many of my comments are drawn directly from Elder Ballard’s words from the Priesthood session of October General Conference 2009, and, as Elder Ballard noted, this talk is relevant also to uncles, grandfathers, leaders, and mentors. So, there are elements of relevance for all of us.
The relationship between father and son can have a profound impact on what boys and dads become. Interaction between each other plays a major part in developing that relationship. Consequently, Elder Ballard has counselled us to think about how we talk with each other. And while mortal father-son relationships are never perfect, the promise to us is that they can be strengthening and joyful relationships beyond what we already enjoy if we follow three basic points of counsel. Those three points are different for fathers from sons, but note that they are deliberately related.
First, to the young men:
…You are your father’s pride and joy. In you they see a promising future and their hope for a better, improved version of themselves. Your accomplishments are a joy to them. Your worries and problems are their worries and problems.[2]
Elder Ballard suggests the following three things for you, in talking with your fathers.
First, trust your father. He loves you, and he would never do anything that he didn’t think was in your best interest. He is even entitled to revelation on your behalf, to help you. His counsel, though, is limited to how well he understands what is happening in your life. Trust your father enough to talk to him about the things you care about, your dreams and goals, and the things that make you worried. When you show that you trust your father by confiding in him, he will feel the responsibility of that trust and try harder. trust your father.
Second, take an interest in your father’s life. Pay attention to the things he likes, ask him about the work he does, and take note of how he interacts with others. Watch how he treats your mother, other people, and his church callings. This will help you to understand why he responds the way that he does. Your admiration, love, and understanding for your father will increase.
Third, ask your father for advice. Your father probably gives you advice already, whether you want it or not, but if you ask for it, he will do a better job of giving the advice. Ask for advice on friends, school, Church activity, sports and other hobbies, assignments, dating, or anything else that is concerns you. When you ask him for advice, it sends him a message: ‘I appreciate what you know and the experiences you have had, and I value your ideas and suggestions.’ Apart from encouraging him to give you better counsel, asking for advice from your father will help him step up and do better at ‘walking the talk’.
Nephi is an excellent example from the scriptures of these principles. Can you imagine your father coming to you and saying, “Son, we’re going on a hunting, boating and camping trip.” Sounds like fun! How long will we be gone? “Eight years for the hunting, months boating, and then we’re never coming back to everything you know here. We’ll be hungry, cold, in almost constant danger, and we don’t actually know where we’re going yet. But God will lead us there through visions that I see.” With only slight embellishment, this was the situation that Nephi faced. His brothers complained,[3] but Nephi trusted his father. He prayed about what his father was doing, received a witness from the Lord, and obediently followed the guidance of his father thereafter.[4] Nephi took an interest in the things that Lehi did; following his father’s account of the dream of the tree of life,[5] Nephi went to the Lord in prayer again, desiring to see and hear and know by the power of the Holy Ghost those same things that his father had been given.[6] How much easier to pay attention to his father’s visions it would have been, after having witnessed one of those visions for himself! Finally, Nephi asked his father for advice. When Nephi’s bow broke, we read that the family suffered because they had no food. All but Nephi complained over how God could allow them to suffer so, including Lehi. Nephi responded by making a new bow, before going to his father. ‘Whither shall I go to obtain food?’ he asked, showing his trust in his father’s leadership. Lehi responded by repenting of his poor behaviour, and going to the Lord in prayer for direction to give to his son. Nephi found food, and the family was saved.[7]
Young men, trust your fathers, take an interest in their lives, and ask them for advice. It will bless you, and it will bless your fathers.
Now, to the fathers and to those who play similar roles:
…You are the primary model of manhood for your sons. You are their most meaningful mentor, and believe it or not, you are their hero in countless ways. Your words and your example are a great influence on them.[8]
Elder Ballard suggests the following three things for you, in talking with your sons.
First, listen to your sons. Listen carefully, and listen some more. Stephen Covey once presented a mock scenario of poor listening, wherein a mother presses her son to confide in her as to what was bothering him. When at last he opens up to tell her the beginning, saying that he just doesn’t like school anymore, her immediate response is, “What? What do you mean you don’t like school? And after all the sacrifices we’ve made for your education!” She continues with such phrases as “apply yourself”, “settle down”, “be more like your sister”, and so on.[9] The problem is that she only listened enough to get one tiny bit of information, and then tried to solve the whole issue on that basis! The purpose of listening – really listening – is to understand. Don’t worry about rushing in to try and solve or answer things. It is more important that your son knows you understand him. Listening without judging will still involve you opening your mouth, though, to ask the right kind of questions – questions that show you care and want to understand better. Every father needs at least one quality, focused conversation with his sons every month. Make time for this one-on-one time. Fathers, listen to your sons.
Second, pray with and for your sons. One-on-one prayer and the sharing of testimonies can draw you closer to each other, as well as closer to the Lord. Alma took time to share his testimony and prayers with his three sons, including Corianton who had become wayward.[10] All three grew into great spiritual leaders. Enos remembered the testimony and prayers of his father Jacob, until one day his soul hungered, and he knelt in life-changing prayer.[11] Give your sons priesthood blessings. Elder Holland recently counselled that we don’t give priesthood blessings in our families often enough.[12] For sons that have strayed, do all you can to maintain strong family relationships, and keep praying. Alma the Elder and King Mosiah prayed with great faith for their sons. In time, an angel appeared to Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah, leading to difficult but cleansing repentance.[13] All of them became great missionaries and leaders. Fathers, pray with and for your sons.
Third, dare to have the big talks with your sons. Talk to them about drugs, drinking, the danger of today’s media (including pornography), priesthood worthiness, respect for girls, and moral cleanliness. These big issues should not be the only things that you talk about, but don’t shy away from them. The world is talking about such issues all the time, but the message it sends to your sons is harmful and wrong. You need to speak up and teach your sons. You need to have open and frequent conversations that teach and clarify to young men about sexual matters in particular. Alma did this with his son Corianton, who had left his missionary work and fallen into sexual sin. Alma didn’t shy away from explaining the seriousness of the sin, and bore powerful testimony of correct doctrine.[14] Corianton repented and was called back to the work. Note that studies show that the biggest deterrent to casual sexual activity is a wholesome attitude that connects such personal relationships with genuine commitment and mature love. Fathers, dare to have the big talks with your sons.
If we follow this counsel from Elder Ballard, the promise is that our father-son relationships will become stronger and bring us joy. I bear you my testimony that I have felt and tasted of the truth of Elder Ballard’s words. I pray that we all might rise up and do what we have heard. In the holy name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
[1] M Russell Ballard, “Fathers and Sons: A Remarkable Relationship,” Ensign, Nov. 2009, 47
[2] M Russell Ballard, “Fathers and Sons: A Remarkable Relationship,” Ensign, Nov. 2009, 47
[3] 1 Nephi 2:11
[4] 1 Nephi 2:16
[5] 1 Nephi 8
[6] 1 Nephi 10:17
[7] 1 Nephi 16
[8] M Russell Ballard, “Fathers and Sons: A Remarkable Relationship,” Ensign, Nov. 2009, 47
[9] Covey, Stephen R (2004), The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, 237
[10] Alma 36-42
[11] Enos 1
[12] See Worldwide Leadership Training February 2011, “Discussion on Priesthood Principles”, < http://lds.org/broadcasts/archive/worldwide-leadership-training/2011/02?lang=eng>
[13] Mosiah 27
[14] Alma 39-42
No comments:
Post a Comment